no, i wasn't completely alone. my cat, kuro, was always with me. kuro and I spent all of our time alone, in this house staring out the window watching the clouds go by. kuro and i would eat our meals together, I would tell kuro about all the things that happened to me that day, and I would fall to sleep stroking kuro's body. yes, except for kuro, i was all alone. even when there were many people around me, i was always alone.

when i was in preschool, i often played with the other children. we would break up into two groups and try to take members from the other team. we would call out the name of the classmate we wanted on our team, and then play rock-paper-siccors to see which team got the person. but when we were playing this game, no one ever said, we want kayako. not even once.

no one ever needed me, but then again, i never needed anyone, either, it was all balanced out. there was never a boy who liked me, but there was never a boy i liked either. but this balance was broken when i went to college. it was all because of a boy name shuncuke kobayashi. kobyashi-kun. it was the first time i ever loved someone else.

it happened about a week after classes started. the school held a party for the freshman at a nearby pub. i did'nt want to make friends with the students in the class, but i couldn't find an excuse not to go, so i went along anyway. this was my first time drinking alcohol, but i think that everyone else was pretty much on the same boat. Some drank too much, and went to the restroom to vomit. it was toward the end of the party, when i came out of the restroom. i saw kobayashi-kun slumped over in the hallway. his mouth was wet, so i knew he had just rinsed his mouth out after vomiting. i don't know how i worked up the courage to do this, but i squatted down in front of kobayashi, and offered him my hankerchief without a word. he looked at me with his bloodshot eyes and took my Hankerchief smiling shyly, and he said "thank you kayako". and in the instant he said my name, my heart fluttered. it was the first time that i had ever felt such a thing, but from that time, i was in love with kobayashi-kun.

I watched Kobayashi-Kun from that time on. I was always looking at Kobayashi-Kun's face from the side, or from the back. I waited for him at the station every morning, and when he entered the gate, I would follow him. I would always sit right behind him in the classroom, staring at him. At the cafeteria, at the library, at the CD shops near campus, at the bookstore, at the video arcade, at the coffee house...I was always looking at myall of Kobayashi-Kun's actions. Who he talked to, what he ate, where he went, what kind of enviornment he grew up in, what he liked to drink, what kind of sports he enjoyed, his hobbies, I kept my records of him with my terrible illustrations and pictures. Kobayashi-Kun. I loved him so much I couldent stand it. I could never confell my feeling for Kobayashi-Kun, so I wrote all of my feelings for him in my brown scrapbook. Much in the same way that researchers studying animals write down their observations, I kept my records of him with my terrible illustrations and pictures.

I knew from the very begenning that my first love would never develop. Instead of me, Kobayashi-Kun became close with another girl from the same class, Manami Midorikama, and they eventually began dating. Sadly, it was me who was first in the class to notice their relationship developing. She was very pretty, and outgoing. She was the center of peoples' attention ever since she was born. She was very confident, very bright. I was very jealous of her, I envied her, I hated her, I cursed her, and i eventually gave up. There was nothing else I could do.

It was about that time that Kuro died. I found him, stiff in the corner, when I came home from school. I cried for three days, holding Kuro's dead body. On the fourth day, when Kuro's body gave the stench, i buried him in the garden, under the cherry blossom tree. My Kuro, the only one who ever needed me, died. I cried my eyes out for days on end. Unhappiness always seemed to follow me where ever I went.

Right after Kuro died, my parents also passed away. They died in a car accident while they were on vacation overseas. But I dont remember ever being sad about it. I had no reason not to be sad, but I have no memories of being sad. Even at the funeral, I didn't shed a single tear. When my parents died, i dropped out of college. I only went because I was forced to go, and now they were dead, I had no reason to go anymore. I didn't want to see Manami and Kobayashi being all mushy in front of me. I quit school and spent my days in this house, this time really all alone.

It was about that time that Takeo came to me. Takeo Saeki was six years older than I was. He worked as an Illustrator. He lived in a nearby apartment owned by my parents, so I did know his face. To me, a nineteen-year-old girl, Takeo with his thinning hair, looked like nothing more than an old man.

My heart didn't flutter like it did with Kobayashi-kun. I never thought he was particularly charming, or good-looking. But, Takeo told me, "Kayako, I want you". It was the first time anyone had ever told me that they wanted me. I then decided to become Takeo's. Takeo and I had a small wedding ceremony, and lived together, in this house, where I grew up.

We had a child a few years after we were married. It was a boy. I begged Takeo to let me name our son. I named him Toshio, a name that used the same first ideogram as Shunsuke, my first loves name, and I used the "o" from my husbands name. Toshio. Every time i called our baby's name, I remembered Kobayashi-Kun, and secretly, my heart fluttered....just like the first time.

When Toshio was 8, Takeo and I took Toshio out to buy him a cat. We decided on a black cat, because i told Toshio that it was cuter than the one he picked. I thought of my beloved Kuro. Nothing specail happened for several years, until Toshio started school. Toshio's first grade teacher was none other than my first love, Shunsuke Kobayashi! When I saw him at the ceremony for Toshio's first day of school, I was surprised, confused, and very happy.

One day I came home from a long walk, and decided to go into our bedroom upstairs to let Takeo know that I had arrived back home. He was reading my brown scrapbook! I was so terrified, because Takeo was such a jealous man, even when I mentioned that a particular actor on T.V. looked good, He would get very angry. Takeo walked toward me slowly, I backed away, and ran toward the stairs. He pushed me down near the top of the stairs, and sprained my ankle, so I couldent get up. He was banging on the walls, so I knew he was extremely mad, and he was going to kill me. I crawled down the stairs, and crawled toward the door, but takeo grabbed my hair. I banged on his hands, and tried to get away. He snapped my neck. I could not move my body, and it was hard to breathe. I could just lay there.